Super Bowl week is here. As a primer, here’s a glossary of terms to get you up to speed before the Patriots and Eagles clash in Super Bowl LII on Sunday. Approximately 90 percent of the content herein can be fairly described as “accurate.” The rest is a mixture of hearsay and outright falsehoods.
Ajayi, Jay: London-born running back and the only person in pro football history who can say, “I’m going to the Super Bowl” and “Jay Cutler is my teammate” in the same season.
Amendola, Danny: Handsome wide receiver whose regular January and February exploits during his tenure in New England prompted teammate Rob Gronkowski to rechristen him Danny “Playoffs” Amendola. Inventive? No, not even by Gronk standards. But super accurate.
Belichick, Bill: Patriots head coach whose mastery of football strategy and team-building has kept him at the pinnacle of the sport for decades. Bon Jovi fan. Owns a boat. Wore sleeveless shirt to AFC Championship Game postgame presser and dared attending media peons to ask him about impromptu gun show. No one did.
Blount, LeGarrette: Eagles running back and Forrest Gump-like figure who’s been involved in every moment of consequence in NFL history.
Brady, Tom: Indestructible Ken doll. Father of Gisele people. Purveyor of performance pajamas. Says stuff like, “If you’re competing against me, you better be willing to give up your life — because I’m giving up mine,” and thinks that’s totally normal human commentary.
Britt, Kenny: Erstwhile Cleveland Browns problem child who took the Michael Floyd Shortcut to the Super Bow. Was once arrested at a Hoboken, N.J., car wash, which, honestly, is the funniest place one can be apprehended by authorities.
Broad Street: Major arterial thoroughfare that runs north to south through Philadelphia. Will be reduced to dust and rubble if the Eagles actually win on Sunday.
Butler, Malcolm: Fourth-year Patriots cornerback who earned franchise immortality after his game-deciding interception of Russell Wilson in Super Bowl XLIX. Oddly, it seems like the Patriots can’t wait to get rid of him.
Celek, Brent: Lunchpail Eagles tight end quietly approaching the end of his 27th NFL season.
Collinsworth, Cris: Talented NBC color analyst who has deftly turned “Sunday Night Football” into a 3.5-hour infomercial for Pro Football Focus, his popular analytics site.
Cooks, Brandin: Speedy wideout who made game-changing plays on a regular basis in his first season with Patriots, but has yet to earn the trust of New England faithful. Will either win Super Bowl l with last-minute touchdown reception or lose game on egregious drop.
Cooper, Bradley: Infuriatingly handsome Hollywood A-lister and diehard Eagles fan whose luxury-box celebrations at Lincoln Financial Field force one to study their own muted reality and wonder if God is purposely cruel, or if life is really just a big poker game in which you got dealt the bum hand.
Crisco: Popular brand of food shortening typically used in the baking sector but also employed by city officials in Philadelphia, who grease up light poles so idiots won’t climb them to celebrate conquests by the local football team. Feels like we, as a society, have been too easily accepting of this acid trip of a crime deterrent.
Fatone, Joey: Former *NSYNC member who has waited patiently for his phone to vibrate since Justin Timberlake was announced as the Super Bowl LII halftime-show headliner. Keep that bad boy charged, Joe!
Foles, Nick: Backup-turned-starting Eagles quarterback whose Spirited performance in the NFC Championship Game against the Vikings is the primary reason some pundits believe Philadelphia can win this damn thing on Sunday. Will be granted forever civic legend status if he posts a passer rating over 88 in a victorias Eagles effort.
Garoppolo, Jimmy: Dashing and productive young quarterback whose midseason trade from the patriots to the 49ers will serve as beefy fodder for national media members desperate for something fresh to write about during another Patriots Super Bowl week. Consider it an upset if Tom Brady fields fewer than 14 Jimmy G-related queries on Opening Night.
Gilmore, Stephon: Big-money cornerback whose rocky start and rock-solid finish neatly mirrored the Patriots’ defense as a whole this season. Saved his organization from eternal shame with an underappreciated Blake Borles pass breakup late in the AFC Championship Game. Doesn’t miss Buffalo.
Gisele: International supermodel and wife of Tom Brady. Remains the only true threat to Patriots fans who want their star quarterback to play until age 50.
“Gonna Fly Now”: Iconic Bill Conti-composed theme song from “Rocky” franchise that’s become the unofficial anthem of the Philadelphia sports scene. Though the composition has lapsed into cliche status for many Philadelphians, every other fan base wishes “Gonna Fly Now” was connected to their city.